Where have I been?
If I’m honest, I feel like I’ve been in my own purgatory. As I have posted previously, the only thing which works to mostly alleviate my endometriosis symptoms is the implant. I had my implant removed and replaced in May 2019 and since then, it’s been awful.
I’ve wrestled with my moods, random pelvic cramps, spotting, acne, sciatic nerve pain, and an unexpected period. All these things I’d put in the endometriosis flare-up box. Those things which make an already bad mood that little bit worse.
Not only have I been dealing with all of that but for a while, I had writers’ block. This then led to me taking a break from Instagram which I’m still on. When you already feel like crap, you don’t want to see people flaunting their fabulous lives to make you feel even worse.
Once I got over my writer’s block something else happened. If you asked anyone I’ve spoken to about my blog, they’d probably tell you I’ve not written anything. That’s what I’ve told them.
The truth is, my writer’s block vanished a while back and was replaced by the delightful Imposter Syndrome. Everything I’ve written, I’ve hated.
I’d never heard of Imposter Syndrome until an article about it landed in my inbox and it rang painfully true.
For those of you who don’t know what Imposter Syndrome is, here is a list of some of the things you can feel:
- A lack of self-confidence
- Doubts about your thoughts
- Doubts about your abilities
- Doubts about your achievements and accomplishments
- Negative self-talk/thoughts
- Feelings of inadequacy
- Dwelling on past mistakes
- Not feeling good enough
— These are all signs and symptoms of imposter syndrome.
Since my mid-twenties, I have struggled with anxiety on and off. It’s not something I mention a lot because I do try to ignore it and carry on. Unfortunately, I’ve not been doing a great job of it recently.
I always forget what a cruel friend anxiety can be; one minute I’ll feel perfectly fine, and the next I’m berating myself for not reacting correctly to something which happened years ago. I’ll jump every single time there’s an unexpected noise or voice. I jump even when they’re expected too, for example on Halloween with every knock of the door or with every exploding firework on what seems to be a recurring Bonfire Night.
The stupid thing is, I can understand what’s causing the feelings and I can rationalise them too. There’s a little voice telling me I’m not good enough is the same voice which likes to remind me of embarrassing things which have happened in the past. That voice does not control me, and it will not beat me anymore.
Let’s be realistic I’m a new blogger. It’s going to take time to build up a following, to learn new things, to improve my blog. Just because I haven’t got a huge following does not mean the quality of my posts is poor. The more I blog, the more I can improve. Maybe I should just believe in myself more?
That’s easier said than done.
What that means now is I’m fighting back against the imposter in my head who likes to tell me that nothing I do is good enough. In my fight against my brain, I’m going to make some changes in 2020 which I’ll share later
At the moment, I don’t have a set blogging schedule but from 2020 I will be posting more regularly. Thank you for sticking with me while I’ve been having a blip.
I haven’t written this post for sympathy. It was a conversation with my friend Rach which prompted me to write this post. I’d told her how I had been feeling lately, she said she’d felt the same way at times, and it was probably more common than I thought.
If you do feel like this at all, please know you’re not alone. To quote Rach, a lot of us “feel like we’re blagging at life, and at any moment someone is gonna find out”.